So here's my best advise mom to mom....it sounds like your son is holding you emotionally hostage, he knows it and he's drunk on the power. The more drama he can squeeze out of the situation the better. I'm sure his reaction doesn't have much to do with what you're asking of him but everything to do with the fact he can push your buttons by not doing it. Give this a try. You & your husband sit down with him at a quiet time and very simply and calmly tell him what you expect him to do and when you expect it to be done. Ask him to repeat to you what he heard you say so you are sure it's clear and there are no misunderstandings. Ask him if he has any questions. Do'nt let him draw you into a discussion or debate, just the simple facts calmly and clearly stated. Let him know what the consequences will be if he chooses not to do what you have asked him to do. Now here's where this becomes effective. From this point forward you will not mention what you have asked of him again, no reminding, no pleading, no begging, no threatening, not one word. He is perfectly clear about what you want him to do. Now let's assume he chooses not to do what you have asked of him. I think you mentioned he likes to play tennis. Let's say you asked him to accomplish his task by noon on Monday or he would not be able to play tennis that afternnon at three. REMEMBER you have not reminded him or mentioned the task since the initial conversation. At two o'clock and hopefuly within ear shot of your son you pick up the phone and very calmly cancel his plans to play tennis for that day. You don't need to say why or give any information other than he won't be there today, hopefuly he will make it the next time. You still have not engaged your son or become angry or frustrated about it. He chose not to do his task therefore he needs to live the consequences of his decsion. You continue on with your day without missing a beat. If you have a few extra hours to fill do something for yourself, something on your wish list. As soon as he figures out it's not going to rock your world if he plays tennis or not, that his decision is his to live with and you are not going to let him control your emotions anymore I think you will see a difference. This approach could take a little time and you may see your son get pretty upset when he realizes he's loosing his power in the situation. It's hard at first because our instincts as moms are to always protect our kids, even if we are protecting them from themselves. I think after awhile you'll feel liberated that you can let him fall down on his own and pick himself back up. My kids are 29 and 21 and they are the joy of my life. They are strong and independant just like your son is trying to be. He just needs to let you guide him a little longer. Hope this helps. Your boys are lucky to have you, stay strong and know you reach a lot of us out here in the world, even if we don't write very often.
Thanks everyone - things are looking up around here, finally!
Anonymous - thank you especially for your kind and thoughtful comments - you're right on the mark about him testing me - he often does, and I always forget how good he is!
Hey, I've got a lot of that around here, too. Mine is all contained in the body of an eight-year-old with a Jekyll & Hyde complex.
ReplyDeleteAt least you got a gorgeous picture out of your day.
I love the photo! Absolutely wonderful, there is so much going on yet so little!
ReplyDeletelove the colors
ReplyDeleteAnd you do not yet have any teenagers....oh my.
ReplyDeleteLOL, sometimes a little is just enough.
ReplyDeleteSo here's my best advise mom to mom....it sounds like your son is holding you emotionally hostage, he knows it and he's drunk on the power. The more drama he can squeeze out of the situation the better. I'm sure his reaction doesn't have much to do with what you're asking of him but everything to do with the fact he can push your buttons by not doing it. Give this a try. You & your husband sit down with him at a quiet time and very simply and calmly tell him what you expect him to do and when you expect it to be done. Ask him to repeat to you what he heard you say so you are sure it's clear and there are no misunderstandings. Ask him if he has any questions. Do'nt let him draw you into a discussion or debate, just the simple facts calmly and clearly stated. Let him know what the consequences will be if he chooses not to do what you have asked him to do. Now here's where this becomes effective. From this point forward you will not mention what you have asked of him again, no reminding, no pleading, no begging, no threatening, not one word. He is perfectly clear about what you want him to do. Now let's assume he chooses not to do what you have asked of him. I think you mentioned he likes to play tennis. Let's say you asked him to accomplish his task by noon on Monday or he would not be able to play tennis that afternnon at three. REMEMBER you have not reminded him or mentioned the task since the initial conversation. At two o'clock and hopefuly within ear shot of your son you pick up the phone and very calmly cancel his plans to play tennis for that day. You don't need to say why or give any information other than he won't be there today, hopefuly he will make it the next time. You still have not engaged your son or become angry or frustrated about it. He chose not to do his task therefore he needs to live the consequences of his decsion. You continue on with your day without missing a beat. If you have a few extra hours to fill do something for yourself, something on your wish list. As soon as he figures out it's not going to rock your world if he plays tennis or not, that his decision is his to live with and you are not going to let him control your emotions anymore I think you will see a difference. This approach could take a little time and you may see your son get pretty upset when he realizes he's loosing his power in the situation. It's hard at first because our instincts as moms are to always protect our kids, even if we are protecting them from themselves. I think after awhile you'll feel liberated that you can let him fall down on his own and pick himself back up. My kids are 29 and 21 and they are the joy of my life. They are strong and independant just like your son is trying to be. He just needs to let you guide him a little longer. Hope this helps. Your boys are lucky to have you, stay strong and know you reach a lot of us out here in the world, even if we don't write very often.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone - things are looking up around here, finally!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - thank you especially for your kind and thoughtful comments - you're right on the mark about him testing me - he often does, and I always forget how good he is!