Monday, Bloody Monday

So Monday.

yeah.

Okay. A little backstory.

This is Joshua. He's 8. He's never sick, in his opinion, even when he is.



He picks every dandelion he sees, and gives it to me. I tuck them behind my ear until they turn brown and shrivel up. He's sweet.



So, when he acts sick, I know that he's honestly REALLY sick, unlike some people in this house who sneeze once and spend the next week on the couch. I'm not naming those people, Derek. On Thursday, when he didn't eat much at The Talky Beer Place, we figured it must just be the big snack he had earlier in the day.

That's a ROOT beer, people.

But on Friday, when he woke up and never really woke up and then took a nap? I grabbed the thermometer and checked him out and he registered a bit over 100.  A little ibuprofen later, he felt a little better but we decided he'd have to skip soccer practice and stay on the couch for the evening.



He didn't even protest. Even when he had to miss his first game of the season on Saturday. Not even a whimper. He managed to make it to the Ferrari show, but was reluctant and tired and fell asleep on the way home.

Sunday was not much better. He perked up in the morning, but by afternoon, was back on the couch and zombie-like. He woke up at 3 am with a double barrel nose-bleed that took about 30 minutes to subdue.

Now. Monday. 100 degree temperature in the morning, but seemed to actually feel a bit better.

Until just after the Raisin Bran. When the next nosebleed started.

And people? It was a gusher. Please forgive me if you're squeamish. You may want to stop reading here and go on to this page of my sweet puppy. Because this is where Ridley Scott took over my Monday morning.

We sat with a roll of paper towels and went through one after another after another. And then a couple more. And then I noticed a little smear of blood underneath his eye, on the same side as the nosebleed, so I assumed it was just where he'd wiped his eye with a little blood on his finger.

Then, Derek told me to look at Joshua's eye again. And I saw a big tear-shaped drop of blood pooling up in the corner of it.

On the inside I said..."AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH MAH BABEE MAH BABEE!!!!"

And on the outside, I said..."Well, that's odd. Here, honey, let's just get that with a tissue. Oh yes - nothing to worry about...Just a little bleeding out the eye."

It looked a little like this.

And then? Then I inadvertently removed the alien hamster from my son's nose. Remember the creature that came out of the guy's chest in Alien? Now, just picture it smaller...hamster sized.

Yeah.

All I was trying to do was to swap out the soaked paper towel to exchange it for a new one. The hamster grabbed on the paper towel and slithered right out. I think I squealed a little as it started, then yelled for Derek to help me get the next paper towel ready instead of sitting there gagging, please.

I am not even kidding you when I say I have never seen a larger mass of bloody-ness come out of anyone in all my life.  Ever. Everevereverevereverever. And as disgusting as it was, it was oddly compelling. I kept looking at it, trying to find the eyeballs.

BECAUSE AN ALIEN HAMSTER CAME OUT OF MY CHILD'S NOSE.

I think the Weekly World News might be interested.

I have since learned that when a sinus gets that clogged up with blood and mucus, the blood has to find somewhere to go, and often travels up and out through the tear duct. Which is just not as dramatic as it looks. And also?

When you remove an alien hamster from your child's nose, their mystery fever, bloody eyeballs and other symptoms miraculously go away, especially when you decide to go to the doctor for a quick once-over. Not a smidge of temperature.

From now on, I declare - I've won. Have a bad day, dear? Did it involve your baby's eyeball bleeding? No? Maybe you removed an alien hamster from your darling son's nose? No?

I WIN.